Musings on Time (And Other Random Thoughts)

Mere moments ago, I discovered the true magnitude of my stupidity, as well as my complete lack of ability to learn from my mistakes. Let me explain: I had a solid paragraph of (what is this, a pitiful journal? Call it what you will…) well, this stuff, written, and I was just about to divulge the details of my major (and actually very anticlimactic) epiphany from last night, when I shifted in my chair and managed to nudge the power cord of my computer just enough to disconnect the whole thing. Honest mistake, you may think, but considering the fact that this is at least the tenth time I’ve done this in the span of a month, I come out of this story feeling all the more retarded. I digress…

            So now I find myself right where I began twenty minutes ago, before my little debacle with the cord…the “epiphany”…as my now lost composition had stated, last night, my pre-sleep solo pillow talk/nightly contemplation of the meaning of life yielded a thought, and as I sit here, wallowing in my ever-present boredom and unshakeable feeling of uselessness, I find myself revisiting that same thought, which is as follows: time will always pass at the same speed. It doesn’t matter if I wish it away or pray that it will simply stop to catch its breath; its pace will never change. That being said, I don’t know about everyone else, but I’d rather endure the tough, boring, emotional, or scary times with a smile, and chances are I’ll realize that time finds a way to rush through those moments, just as it does when I’m laughing with friends, sleeping, or admiring the beauty of this world. Basically, I’m resolved to be grateful for the fact that I have any time at all. It’s all about your attitude (or so I’ve been told…).

            I’m finally amost nineteen! I’m grateful to still be in those years where making it to your next birthday is exciting, because you feel like you’ve been your current age for far too long. Once I hit something in the neighborhood of twenty-three, I’m sure I’ll be feeling quite the opposite. I think I just want to reach an age where I can be taken seriously in all aspects of life…I thought that would happen when I turned eighteen, but au contraire, Lauren…au contraire. My arrival at BYU was quite the reality check. But I’ll get there soon enough! They say it all starts with taking myself seriously, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to get to that point. For goodness sake, I'm too awkward for that. Want an example? I run into the turnstile that leads to the elevator bank at work literally once a week. Today was that day for me. We have these security badges that we have to scan, and they unlock the turnstile so that we can walk through and get to the elevators. Simple enough, right? Wrong. Once a week, I manage to scan my card and confidently march forward into the turnstile, only to be violently barred access to the elevators. It doesn’t help that I am way beyond deficient in the social skills necessary to recover from such situations. Instead, the whole thing sounds something like this:

*beeeeep*

step, step

*BONK*

“Oh my GOSH, you’ve GOT to be kidding me!! This ALWAYS happens to me! Once a week, I tell you! Without fail!”

*beeeeep*

And then there are a good five minutes of me mentally kicking myself for being so darn awkward all the time. I've always gotta make a scene...Just say nothing, Lauren…for the love of all that is holy, say NOTHING! I’ve learned the hard way that talking to yourself in public isn’t exactly smiled upon…

Sometimes You Just Need to Laugh

So things have been crazy lately. I've been working nonstop, I'm living in the busiest city in the world, and I have zero friends. I'm a girl, so that's just a recipe for an emotional roller coaster. Luckily, I've found that when times are tough, sometimes all you really need is a good laugh. So that's all this post is really for! Here's something that always makes me giggle:

People....I tell ya..

And here's a quick story! I warn you now, this story is not for the faint of heart. If you're one of those people who can't hear the word "fart" without gagging, I counsel you to read no further. I can laugh about it now, but a few days ago, when it was happening. It wasn't so funny. 

My brother, dad, and I had to run uptown to Bed Bath & Beyond to pick up some fans (because this heat is unbearable, and running the AC is expensive). Well, it didn't take us long to discover that my brother had some pretty nasty gas...I mean, he's naturally a pretty gassy guy, but he even admitted it, this was the worst gas he's ever had. I don't know what we fed him, but it smelled like maybe it had been ripening inside of him for the past 22 years of his life. 

Well anyway, he walked down an aisle before me, and I innocently followed him. Big mistake. I walked right through a huge, pungent cloud of his flatulence. My mouth was open and everything! Eyes watering, gag reflex activated, I did what anyone would do (okay I don't know about that...I did what I would do, which is make a scene). I loudly coughed, fell to the ground in agony, whimpering and exclaiming something along the lines of, "I CAN TASTE IT!" I looked up a few moments later, only to discover my dear brother had escaped into the toothpaste aisle and had left me paralyzed in the middle of the store. My dad, aware of the commotion the fruit of his loins had caused, was hibernating somewhere in the vacuum section, pretending to have no association whatsoever with us. 

So I was left alone, much too close to the source of the stench for comfort. Just as I contemplated nonchalantly slipping away before anyone stumbled into no man's land, I heard a noise to my right. To my utter horror, there was an employee blundering toward me, brandishing a large can of Febreeze and shouting "WOO-WEE, Lawd have mercy on me!" At that point, I completely lost it. I broke out in hysterics, and, tears streaming down my face, went to tell my brother of the chaos he had created. The worst part is, when we finally reconnected with my cowardly father, he notified me of a conversation between two employees that he had overheard in which one said, "Yeah, I think it was that girl." ME?!?!?! So not only did I have all hopes of eating dinner spoiled by Adam's savagery, I also found myself being framed for a crime that I in no way committed. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my life.